ARG! With Me By Adam
Griffin, Entertainment Editor,
“For a time, I considered sparing your wretched little
planet. Now you shall witness… IT’S DISMEMBERMENT!”
I first heard that particular quote back in 1986, when I was
but six years old and already being shaped by the world around me. I had
already been banned from watching MTV and all other music video programs (this
was back when Nickelodeon showed videos as part of their daily lineup), and I
was well on my way to growing up under the watchful eye of my parents like any
other normal kindergartener.
However, on this particular day I was exposed to something
that would change my life forever. It was on this day that I learned that the
good guys can die, and the bad guys can get away. I realized just how powerful
the world of entertainment could be. Most importantly, I found out that people
will pay their hard earned money to see a critically panned film, as my dad did
exactly that when he bought the both of us tickets to see Transformers: The
Movie. The circumstances behind that particular Orson Welles quote? He was
playing a planet-sized world-devouring robot.
At this point, you’re probably wondering two things: number
one, who the hell is this joker writing all this crap, and number two, what the
hell is the point of all this anyway? Well, to answer the first question, my
name is Adam Griffin, and I’m the Entertainment Editor (as Tom likes to call me)
of Buhner.com. Each and every week I’ll be writing about the world of
entertainment, and since the entertainment industry branches off into many
different areas, there’s no limit as to what this column can cover. Basically,
if there’s something going on in the entertainment industry that inspires me to
try and get you to waste your bandwidth and time reading my column when you
could be reading one of Tom’s or Chris’s or wondering how in the hell Tara beat
all of us in football picks the previous week, then I will.
By the way, I sense that Tara will be going on a streak
soon… you heard it here first.
Anyway, back to the nitty gritty. This little column isn’t
a chance for me to pass of my opinions about certain things as fact, although I
probably will inadvertently doing that a few times just to contradict myself.
Ultimately, this whole “rantspace” of mine is going to be about having fun,
which is what I plan on doing while writing these little nuggets of joy, and I
hope that you’ll have fun reading them.
Even though this is merely the first column in what
hopefully will be a long series of them, there are a lot of different routes I
can take. I could talk about football, wrestling, video games, comic books,
“real” books, movies… but I think to kick things off I’m going to talk about TV,
the WB, and Puffy Lipped Actresses and why they’re ruining
It all started last Friday when I got home from work and
started watching the tail end of Joss Whedon’s Firefly on Fox. For those
of you who don't know, Joss Whedon’s the guy who created Buffy the Vampire
Slayer, and he has his hands involved in countless other things, from other
TV shows such as the WB’s Angel, the aforementioned Firefly, as
well as a few comic books here and there. Now, I could go off on a totally
different tangent about television networks and their scheduling habits
(Firefly is being aired hideously out of order), but I won’t, as I’m here
to talk about the Puffy Lipped Actresses being grown in Hollywood. Like I was
saying, I was busy watching Firefly, using all of the Critical Thinking
skills I learned in college to try and figure out the important plot points that
I missed, blah blah bliddy blah, when I noticed something.
The actress on my television screen had some extremely puffy
By the way, this is the part where the term “DSLs” is
mentioned… and I’m not talking about that particular type of internet
connection… but I digress. There’s a woman on my television with a pair of
beestung lips, and I’m busy wondering, “Where the hell do they find these
women?” I mean, they have to grow this particular brand of female… there’s no
other way possible, because if they didn’t grow them, they wouldn’t be on my
television every time I turned it on. Naturally, they’re on television because
a huge percentage of the population favors Puffy Lipped Actresses; look at how
many times Julia Roberts has been on TV; I doubt it’s for her acting ability.
Hell, take a look at how fast Jennifer Garner's star has risen (she stars on
ABC’s Alias, for those that don’t know); sure, she can act… but have you
seen her lips? She’s duck lipped, man. If you want even more proof, what do you
think the term “DSLs” refers to?
Face it folks, America has an obsession with Puffy Lipped
Actresses, and it’s hurting the entertainment industry.
Ok, maybe that’s a bit harsh. The Puffy Lipped Actresses in
this nation aren’t hurting the entertainment industry… but the phenomenon that
surrounds them can be applied to a large bit of the reason that people don’t
want to pay $8.50 to go to the movies anymore. What I mean is this: just
because the majority of America likes something doesn’t mean that the whole
country needs to be exposed to that particular facet of pop culture at every
opportunity. For example, just because Keanu Reeves took a six month crash
course in various martial arts styles and starred in a
little science fiction film called The Matrix doesn’t mean I want to see
Drew Barrymore get hauled up into the air on wires by a bunch of stuntmen and
“Ki-yah!” and “Ha!” her way through a fight scene and then moonwalk out of the
room because I, along with the majority of America, thought the action in The
Matrix was cool. I don’t want to see the same thing over and over and over
again when I plunk down $8.50 to go to the movies.
I want to be entertained.
That’s what the name of the game is, right? We all want to
be entertained in the long run, am I correct? When I turn on my television, I
want to have fun, enjoy myself, and not wonder why the fuck there seems to be an
influx of Puffy Lipped Actresses on various television programs that aren’t
either on Cinemax after 11 or classified as porn.
Hurry up and get to the point already, says the Buhner.com
Well, the point is pretty simple: something’s happened to
what we used to define as entertainment. Somehow we lost all the shows that
were good like “insert the name of your favorite TV show here”, and we started
to get the fresh faced teenybopper formulaic hit-or-miss programming of the WB,
the “I watch it for the same reason I watch car wrecks: it’s so horrific I just
can’t look away no matter how hard I try” appeal of UPN, or the various dumbed
down by-the-numbers Hollywood productions that do nothing to expand the medium
as well as entertain the masses. Granted, there are a few things out there that
are diamonds in the collective entertainment rough, and like everything else,
they’re whatever the hell you want them to be. All I’m here to do is hopefully
provide a new slant on what’s going on in the entertainment industry and maybe
uncover a few of those diamonds for everyone else to take a look at and admire…
and if that doesn’t work, then I’m going to do my damnedest to have fun no
matter the cost.
I plan on making this a two way street, so if you’ve got
comments about whatever rant I’m able to get up on the site, feel free to email
me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
In the next few weeks I’ll be bouncing back and forth with the column and
various reviews of DVDs, books, television shows, and whatever else that catches
my eye… so all I can say is hold on tight, because I’m not gonna slow down for
And with that, we’ve made it through the first column. Give
yourself a hand.